Heart Wrenching

One year ago today, my husband passed away. The only way to describe this day is heart wrenching. I feel like my heart is broke in a million little pieces. I thought I would have made significant progress with grieving after one year, but I guess instead I've learned that grieving will never end. Hopefully, I will learn to manage it. Time is my friend, but it will never completely heal my pain.

I can vividly remember the details of the night Steve passed away. This past month has been filled with memories of that day. Sometimes it is something I wear, certain smells, music, driving past the hospital, or an ambulance driving down the street. I will never forget the sheer terror of that night. I am grateful to all our friends and family that helped us through such difficult times.

I am fortunate to have a belief and understanding of the gospel. It brightens the darker days, and gives me hope for a better tomorrow. I love the scripture, "Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many: but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days." I know my Heavenly Father is watching over us, and is there to give us comfort and peace.

I also know Steve is still with us. There have been times when we have felt his presence so strongly. We have woke in the middle of the night being prompted by him to do certain things. We know he is near. He has helped me through trials that I didn't want to go through alone. I felt his presence and guidance.

Ben said a few months after Steve died, "Mom, you know I could have talked at dad's funeral. I could have told everyone what a great dad he was and that he used to play ball with me." With tears streaming down my face, I told Ben that we all could have talked, but we were too sad. We all had wonderful things to say about Dad. He said, "Well, I probably would have cried too."

I am hoping to get to the temple today. I always feel close to Steve there. To know that I am sealed to my husband and children for eternity is one of my greatest blessings in life.