Guilt

Lately, I have been on a guilt trip. While vacationing at Flaming Gorge this past week, my mind wondered to the last time we were there with Steve. We had so many great memories on that trip.

I have been reluctant to share a memory that happened during that trip that has always made me feel a little guilty. It happened on the night of his birthday.

Steve had really been on a celebratory frenzy the day of his birthday. We ate at the Flaming Gorge Lodge for breakfast, lunch on the boat, and dinner back at the lodge. If you have ever eaten there, you know that food portions are ginormous. Even sharing a meal between two people is a lot of food.

Steve not only enjoyed his meals, but he topped it off with apple pie ala mode, one of his favorite desserts. It was his birthday, so I said nothing. I did think in my mind about his high cholesterol, and acid reflex problem. Both aliments were not conducive to his intake of food that day, or the type of food he was consuming. He was on medicine for both, and thought nothing about it.

That night he woke me up, with chest pains. He believed it was from acid reflex, not a heart condition. He had the same situation happen two Christmas’s ago. We had gone to the ER where he was monitored, and diagnosed with acid reflex. The physicians thought it was associated with the foods he had indulged in Christmas day.

It was the middle of the night when he told me he may need to go to the hospital in Vernal to get things checked out. I thought we should leave immediately, he wanted to wait.

He was convinced that it was all about what he had ate, and as I continued to encourage him to go to Vernal, he adamantly denied. He had us walk him around outside; he sat on the condominium’s deck, took additional acid reflex pills, and after quite some time decided that it was definitely acid reflex.

The next morning he seemed fine. Still not convinced that it was acid reflux I asked him to visit the doctor when we were home. He refused, stating that the problem was solved.

Wonder if, I would have forced him to go to the hospital in Vernal that night. Maybe they would have foreseen a heart condition that would have saved his life in August the very next month, when he passed away.

I’m not sure, nor will I ever know, if I could have done something to make a difference that night. Sometimes my mind wonders, and feelings of guilt are brought to my mind.

My guilty feelings flare up now and again, until I remember that it is Heavenly Father’s will as to when a good person is taken from this earth. I am reminded of this.