It has been a very emotional day for me. I couldn't seem to pull it together today.
I was listening to the girls’ play their harps, and became so overcome with emotion. They were playing primary songs that are tender and dear to me. Harp music is heavenly to me. I keep thinking that there must be harpist playing angelic music on fluffy white clouds in heaven. Maybe it’s not exactly like that. Maybe it's just my imagination or my subconscious desire. I hope there is at least some kind of music in heaven.
I remember 2 years ago tonight when I was playing hymns on the piano waiting for Steve to change and come downstairs for dinner, when I heard, “Cindy, come quick, I’m not feeling so well.” I ran to the stairs and saw Steve’s frightened face as he quickly instructed us to call 911, and hobbled down the stairs. I yelled for Meagan to come help. She at least had some medical training. We made him comfortable at the bottom of the stairs, and talked to him, until the EMT’s arrived. Steve continued to give us instructions, and told us who to call and what to do. He wanted a priesthood blessing.
When the EMT’s arrived things took a turn for the worse. We were all quickly ushered into the kitchen, while they worked on Steve. We gathered together, as I prayed with all my heart with my children that all would be well. I think I was selfishly praying for what I wanted, rather than the Lord’s will. I wanted so desperately for Steve to be alright. I couldn't imagine life without him. I have never felt so frightened and helpless in my whole life.
At the hospital Steve received a priesthood blessing. I couldn't go in. They would only allow two people back at a time. I'm not sure what was said, but Steve's received his final wish, a priesthood blessing. I desperately wanted a miracle, but it was not to be. It states in D&C 42:48 “And again, it shall come to pass that he that hath faith in me to be healed, and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed.” I have to believe that it was his time to move on.
Even though I have faith, and a strong belief system, it is still difficult. I keep hoping and wishing that he would walk through the door and come home. We miss him every day. I am grateful to know that this is a temporary separation, and that we will be with again.