Missing Him

Lake Como ~ Italy

Flaming Gorge with the Girls'

Hunting with Mike

The Outdoors with Ben

Some days are so difficult, all you can do is just put one foot in front of the other. It is one of those days. It has been two years since the passing of my wonderful husband, and my children’s father. Time has not healed my broken heart.

It has been a very emotional day for me. I couldn't seem to pull it together today.

I was listening to the girls’ play their harps, and became so overcome with emotion. They were playing primary songs that are tender and dear to me. Harp music is heavenly to me. I keep thinking that there must be harpist playing angelic music on fluffy white clouds in heaven. Maybe it’s not exactly like that. Maybe it's just my imagination or my subconscious desire. I hope there is at least some kind of music in heaven.

I remember 2 years ago tonight when I was playing hymns on the piano waiting for Steve to change and come downstairs for dinner, when I heard, “Cindy, come quick, I’m not feeling so well.” I ran to the stairs and saw Steve’s frightened face as he quickly instructed us to call 911, and hobbled down the stairs. I yelled for Meagan to come help. She at least had some medical training. We made him comfortable at the bottom of the stairs, and talked to him, until the EMT’s arrived. Steve continued to give us instructions, and told us who to call and what to do. He wanted a priesthood blessing.

When the EMT’s arrived things took a turn for the worse. We were all quickly ushered into the kitchen, while they worked on Steve. We gathered together, as I prayed with all my heart with my children that all would be well. I think I was selfishly praying for what I wanted, rather than the Lord’s will. I wanted so desperately for Steve to be alright. I couldn't imagine life without him. I have never felt so frightened and helpless in my whole life.

At the hospital Steve received a priesthood blessing. I couldn't go in. They would only allow two people back at a time. I'm not sure what was said, but Steve's received his final wish, a priesthood blessing. I desperately wanted a miracle, but it was not to be. It states in D&C 42:48 “And again, it shall come to pass that he that hath faith in me to be healed, and is not appointed unto death, shall be healed.” I have to believe that it was his time to move on.

Even though I have faith, and a strong belief system, it is still difficult. I keep hoping and wishing that he would walk through the door and come home. We miss him every day. I am grateful to know that this is a temporary separation, and that we will be with again.

First Day of School Pictures

Ben: 2nd Grade at Valley View Elementary with Mrs. Whitesides.

Lizzy: 6th grade at Valley View Elementary with Mrs. Fararri.

Mike: Sophmore Bountiful High. He has to wear a boot to school the first day. I'm sure he loves that. His ankle ended up being broken rather than sprained. He is 5'- 9", wow has he grown.

Katelyn: Senior Year at Bountiful High.

Stormy Days

Today would be a good day to wait out the storm, and let it pass. It is the first day of school, a difficult day. The first day of school is filled with intense sadness for me. It was on the first day of school 2 years ago that Steve suddenly passed away.

Instead of focusing on our incredible loss, I wanted to put on a happy face and celebrate my baby boy’s 8th birthday. Today is Ben's birthday. There is nothing more important to me today, than making sure his birthday is great. What a blessing he has been in my life. He brings me such joy and happiness.

We started out the morning with scriptures, family prayer and our traditional “big breakfast”. During family prayer, I prayed that we would be blessed with peace and comfort. I need extra strength to get through this day and make the cutest little 8 year old happy.

The kids seem alright today. They all went to school. I’m not sure if Ben remembers this day the way I do. I hope not.

Someone came to our door this afternoon with flowers for me. Ben answered the door and I was right behind him. The person gave me flowers, and a hug. Not many words were exchanged, just tears, the words go unspoken.

Ben couldn't understand why I got flowers today. I haven’t wanted to tell him.

I could feel Steve's presence around us today. Even though my heart felt like it was broken in thousand little pieces, I felt peace and comfort. I felt like he was walking beside us.

Ben said he had a dream last night about Steve. He said that his dad told him, “Happy Birthday”, and that he was proud of him for playing football. That’s all he could remember. I dream about him too. They are peaceful dreams, that seem so real to me.

We continued to celebrate Ben’s birthday throughout the day, trying to stay focused on his wonderful life, rather than our incredible loss.

Ben said it was the BEST birthday ever. I am blessed.

Ben is turning 8

Today Ben had a birthday party to celebrate his up-coming birthday on Monday. We went to the Sky Box at the Gateway. I LOVED this party! The kids had fun, eating pizza, playing in the arcade, and eating cake. They all got along so well. They were very kind and inclusive. I always appreciate that. I loved watching these 8 little boys play together.

We had a party room with a plasma TV to watch sports on while they dined on fine cheese and pepperoni pizza. After they had their fill of pizza, they were each given a bag of tokens to use at their discretion in the arcade room. They were so kind to each other, sharing tokens and tickets (prize tickets). I was somewhat amazed that their favorite part of the arcade was......THE PRIZE TICKETS. Who would have thought that those silly penny prizes would become so valuable. I couldn't stop laughing to myself about the complete obsession with the tickets.

Alex, Josh, Shad, Mitch, Ben, Jon-o, Dallas, and Luke.
The ticket obsession! Love the stashes (silly prizes). I had to laugh at the top left picture of Ben and Dallas playing a game that was out of order. I don't think they even noticed that it was out of order.

Thanks to Kate, Lizzy, and Mike for helping with a fun party!

Last Chance

It was our last chance to go boating at Pineview before school starts. It was a beautiful day, with the sun shinning brightly. The water was a little choppy, but the kids got in some fancy wake boarding before the water became unbearable. Yes, you heard it right, the kids only wake boarded today. I'm not sure if Mr. Brown would approve, he loved the kids to ski. They still love to ski, but wake boarding was our new toy this summer.

We have tried to lure, bribe, (and other tactics) to get Ben into the water this summer but have not been successful. Each boating trip, Ben has refused to get in the water. I enrolled him in swim lessons these past two weeks, in hopes that it would help. I think it worked. We FINALLY had success with getting Ben into the water. Once he finally got in, his confidence level rose and he became a lean, mean, swimming machine. He jumped off the back of the boat, the bow of the boat, and went tubing.....SWEET SUCCESS!

Marrissa, Jordan, Lizzy, Katelyn, Sarah, and Mike.

Ben finally getting his courage up, and Helen wake boarding.

Sarah and Jordan, the three tubers, brothers, and lunch.

I must say, in my humble opinion, the boat driver does such an excellent job pulling skiers, tubers, and wake boarders.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

Ben has been SO excited about football. He will be 8 at the end of this month, so he barely makes the cut off to play football this year. He has been looking forward to this for years. He LOVES football, and will play anywhere, any time.

A new football was on his list of necessities to have prior to beginning football. At night when I would go to his room to check on him, I would see arm wrapped fondly around his new football that was sleeping with him. It made me smile.

The 8-9 year old's have been conditioning for football Monday through Thursday 6-8. I thought Ben would come home complaining and tired. Instead, he is excited and full of energy. He can't wait for the next day. Tonight was the first night they got to "dress" for football. What a happy boy!

Cherry Hill

It is so sad to see summer quickly coming to an end. I love summer! We are down to the last week and a half. We are trying to squeeze in as much last minute fun as we can. Today we went to Cherry Hill with the Fulk Family. We love those girls! We had so much fun!

Pirate Ship
Lazy river, and hanging out.
Magic Matt's.
Cardiac Canyon.

Back To School Shopping

This year, ALL of the kids wanted Sarah's help in the selection process for back to school clothes. Should I be offended that they think Sarah is cooler, and has better taste than me? Ummm...nope! The boys' weren't very excited about our adventure, but we insisted the come along.

We have only just begun.

Are we done yet?
Goofing around.

A Great Quote....

"Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

Author Unknown

Ramona and the Beezus - July 24th

This afternoon, I took the kids, and our guest Ella, to see the movie Romana and the Beezus. This movie is about the adventures of a young girl Ramona Quimby. The movie critics and reviewers explain it this way, " Ramona’s vivid imagination, boundless energy, and accident-prone antics keep everyone she meets on their toes. But her irrepressible sense of fun, adventure and mischief come in handy when she puts her mind to helping save her family’s home. The adventures of young Ramona Quimby and her big sister Beezus come to life in this all new film based on the best- selling books (over 30 million...and counting) by Beverly Cleary.

Sounds like the perfect movie, but it wasn't so perfect to me. My review extends beyond the adventures of Romana and her sister Beezus. I saw the charming, fun, witty, dad who loved his family so much he was willing to forgo the materialist things of life for them. Amidst his struggle to find employment, he relishes in the relationships he develops with his children. He listens to them, plays with them, and supports them through their ups and downs. He encourages and appreciates their individuality. He gets to know their needs and dreams.

It broke my heart to think that my children will not continue to have these experiences with their Dad. My older kids are fortunate enough to have had time to experience these things with with their Dad. My younger ones, will miss some of those tender times. It makes me sad.

We went to a family party after this movie. I felt a little more reserved and introspective than usual.

Happy 24th

Legal Fireworks

The Pauls' host a fabulous 24th of July party. There is always great food, and a fun time had by all. This year they had all legal fireworks. That's right no flashy, up-in-the-air, colorful, sparkling illegal fireworks.

Two years ago Brian had purchased some of those "illegal" fireworks. We all sat on the lawn with our chairs, and ooed, and awed, at the dazzling display of fireworks. They were speculator! Until..... a motorcycle police officer pulled up out of nowhere. I wish I would have had a picture of Brian with his headlamp on, lighter in hand, and big grin on his face, coming around from the side of the house ready to continue the show, only to find it ending promptly. No mercy was shown by the motor cop. He issued Brian a citation , as his young kids began to cry. That was the end of the "illegals".

The legal fireworks this year were splendid. They kids were even able to participate in part of the firework show. There were stunning bright lights, and lots of noise to keep us entertained.

Parade Day

Lizzy and Ashlyn were participants in the parade this year. Had they not been, I'm not sure I would have attended. The parade is becoming a source of contention among fellow parade goers. Many of us wake up early in the morning to save "great spots" for the parade, only to find the late comers encroach upon our rightfully owned prime spots. They sit directly in front of the those of us who have toiled for our first-class seats. The late comers, spread out their blankets, and chairs, with not a worry about those around them. They place their belongings in the gutter or on the road itself, it really doesn't matter to them. Your "great" seat, becomes a "not-so-great" seat when people choose to use improper parade etiquette.

The blazing hot temperatures sometimes brings out the worst in people. People forget about brotherly love, good will to man kind, and just plain old kindness. People become grumpy, and the parade becomes, not-so-fun.

We endured the parade until Lizzy and Ashlyn passed, and then quickly packed up and moved onto the next event.

The fireworks are always a hit. The community puts on a dazzling display at Mueller Park Jr. High. This year, we elected to watch them from the Lallis' porch. It was much more serene than fighting the crowds. The company and fireworks were fabulous!

Cousin, Ella, had a slumber party so we wanted to show her a good time. Hopefully, she didn't notice all the "adults behaving badly" at the parade, and had a great time.

Summer Fun

Swimming with the Fulk girls.

We haven't seen much of Jodi and her two adorable girls this summer. We missed them, and finally found a time for all of us to swim together on a sweltering hot day.

Boating and the Bees.

The temperature was in the triple digits today. We decided to cool ourselves off by going boating. We had a great time spending a lot of time in the water. Later that night we went to the Bees baseball game. Even in the late hours of the evening it was exceptionally hot. We had great seats, and great fun!

Dinner in the canyon.
It was a nice diversion to have dinner up Millcreek Canyon with my brother's family. I think everyone else had the same idea, of getting away from the heat....it was packed. We were a little ill prepared....no lighter, no skewers, etc., etc, but those dining around us provided for our needs. Wouldn't life be boring if I was so organized. We never would have met our nice, friendly, neighbors.

Another Year.....July 15, 2010

Reminders of our loss continued as we celebrated Steve’s birthday today. He would have been 52.

I spent the morning letting my emotions flow. I didn’t feel like going to the cemetery today to celebrate, I was too sad. It’s difficult to celebrate great memories, rather than another year of a wonderful life together.

In the afternoon, I pulled myself together and took the kids to Rio Grand (one of Steve’s favs) for lunch. We then ventured on to the cemetery. The kids had purchased balloons, and a birthday sign for his grave.

I keep thinking it will get easier, but I’m not sure it ever will.

You Know You Are In Trouble When.....

....your mother forbids you to skate board (never, ever), but you do it anyway, and end up in the ER.
Fortunately, it is just a small fracture. If you happen to notice the brace on his arm, no, I didn't break his arm for disobeying me. Mike fractured his wrist in his baseball game a couple weeks ago sliding into 3rd base. He is looking a little pathetic if you ask me. The pink band on his, not broken arm, is so cute (pink with purple hearts, every boys' dream). That band is only from an IV drip. He is in a lot of pain tonight. Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.